Speak to readers as if they already own your product
It seems only natural when marketing your company to talk about "our" products and what "we" do. But that creates a "them vs. me" dynamic. You're constantly reminding readers that you're a corporation trying to sell them something.
Instead, turn the wording around to how "you, the reader" will benefit when "you" use such-and-such product.
Put readers in the position of already owning your product or using your service. Then paint a vivid picture of how they will be better off for it.
"When we receive your registration deposit, we will send you your seminar materials."
"As soon as we receive your registration deposit, we will send you your seminar materials."
"As soon as" conveys immediacy and packs far more punch. It subtly suggests that the reader wants this to happen quickly.
Lively Writing, on Time and on Target
When you message needs to engage and persuade, be sure to approach it from the Write Angle. Udi Shorr writes marketing and sales-training presentations for live audiences, video, print, and the Web. You benefit from years of marketing experience with Fortune 500 clients.